Overhaul

Overhaul. My online presence badly needed it so I'm here again toasting my eyeballs in front of the computer screen. The old getup of this blog doesn't look right anymore so I changed it to something more mature. I'm using the beta layout so technically it was gotten off somewhere because I don't feel like making a whole layout from scratch at the moment, plus, I'm having issues with Blogger classic. I just tweaked the codes a little to make it suit my taste more. I'm also immensely impressed with the improvements Blogger's been having recently. Mind you, I've tried much of the really decent blogging platforms around but I always end up going back here. Wordpress is pretty okay and their post editor used to be better than that of Blogger's but not until now. The latter's post editor rattles cages. The ads here are optional too (ahem, Livejournal and Xanga). And most of all... the layout is VERY customizable, from magazine-like ones to gallery looking ones, name it and it's possible. Okay, enough confession of my love for Blogger. The major change in this blog will be the content. Well, not really change, but I'll just separate some of them. I've decided to stop or lessen the amount of pictures or other works I post here. I don't like my writings being mashed up with photos or scanned artworks so I'm placing them somewhere else.

I'm quite glad my layouts shop is well again. I abhorred the idea of having the codes re-parsed and re-hosted. I want to make new layouts but school is coming in a few days so I have to start refreshing myself with the lessons I have unlearned during the break. Besides, I'm not in the mood to write and edit codes recently.

I also decided to do a cleaning of my DeviantArt gallery. Some works look pretty mediocre now so I deleted them. I also cancelled my Twitter account because it's a big stalking machine in disguise, which is the same reason why I deleted my plurk account. And yes, I'm not that dumb to not know that tweets could be protected but I'm just not the trusting kind. I haven't posted much in those two anyways.

I also put up my Tumblr page again for the shallow reason that I needed a place for dumping random stuffs and I wanted to follow photography tumblelogs. I am still sucessful in keeping Facebook at bay, though. Almost everybody has one, but I don't feel like it's my thing. Besides, my Multiply serves me well.

So yeah, I think that's it.

It's the little things

I'm 18 now. I know it's a little more than a week already but I guess I have to write something that'll be a good read a few years from now. It was a normal birthday, I guess. No balloons, no 18 roses, no gorgeous fondant cakes, no 18 dances, none of the traditional way girls celebrate their "introduction to society." But that's exactly the way I like it. I could have gone home and celebrated it with my family, but I have a Biochem exam, and two more coming up so I opted to finish eveything first and go home free. I celebrated with a few friends at The Old Spaghetti House, my family came to Manila to visit me, my dormmates bought me ice cream and gave me cards, we had cake while studying for another exam, Sister Gemma and Sister Lucy gave me hugs, my cellphone kept receiving birthday messages from friends both new and old who I didn't expect to remember, I got my 40D (OMG! 10x), and yeah, I had mad fun.

I guess wanting to keep it simple was the result of believing that it's the little things that matter. It's that Rocky Road-eating thrill I felt while with my dormmates, it's the lovely trip I had with my parents on our way to the camera store, it's the old-school birthday song my classmates sang for me (which I immensely loved), the awesomeness of the rosary Sister Lucy gave me, it's my dormmates effort to write messages on my birthday card, it's everything heartfelt.

I couldn't have had it any better so thank you everyone for even just remembering it was my special day. :D

Because we all need to start somewhere

Recent feature of my works from different webbies. Much love to those who are kind enough to give me the credits. I had this experience before when I came across some of my own works in someone else's DeviantArt account and I sent him an email regarding the matter. I got no reply but after a week his account was gone. Again, thanks so much to the following. Larger versions are available when you click the photos :D

From Philstar.com

I wrote an article for Philippine Star's summer special before high school graduation last year but I forgot to take a screenshot of my article's page thinking Philstar won't replace it for this year's summer special articles. I found this PDF from Scribd.com from a fellow article writer last year who was brilliant enough to take a screenshot of his own. So, yeah, my teeny tiny name could only be found on the sidebar because it's his article's page. Oh well, better than nothing. :D

From Bidhy.com

An old photo showing my photography noobness. Photo was taken circa 2005 so technically I still don't have an idea what I was doing yet. But that's the way things are. No one's born an instant expert. They got the photo and notes from my Flickr account.

From National Geographic

Since I'm not yet 18, I asked my mom sometime around April to submit a photo for NatGeo's Daily Dozen on my behalf. The editors show their picks from all the submissions daily. I could not find the exact feature page where I saw it back in May but here's a gallery screenshot from Your Shot. I wish I could work for that magazine. Ngaaaaw!

From Islamicmovements.com

Latest is a feature of a Taoist temple photo taken around August this year. Gotten also from my Flickr photostream.

And from my beloved BlogNetAwards:

Quintessence is the old name of Butterfly Kisses :D According to their website:

Nominated for Best Diarist Blog is Quintessence a site that has been described by the nominator as one that shows the life of an idealistic artist as well as amateur photographer working her way to becoming a medical doctor. She shares her thoughts on life, her plans for the futures, her concerns for humanity, especially for the Filipino race.

The BlogNet awards team completed their review and found Raiza Kasilag’s description of her life as a 17 year-old student nurse to be both charming and entertaining. The photos of Manila are stunning. This is a chance to see life through the eyes of a student just getting started and to remember those hectic school days in a warm sweet way.

For Denesy Jao

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment or the smallest act of kindness, all of which have the potential to turn a life around..." -- Leo Buscaglia

Photo credits: Kenneth Gacula

The Bitter Pill

It was a happily hectic friday afternoon. A Greenpeace member came to speak to our class about global warming. We learned and bade him goodbye. I could remember him giving us these words...

"Our generation's issue is about freedom and human dignity. And I can proudly say I did something. YOUR generation's issue is something environmental. I hope one day you could look straight in your children's eyes and proudly tell them you did something for the environment..."

And then we left. We celebrated Nursecissism that night. We had pizza and fun. And then the rain started to pour. We went home drenched in water. I started studying for tomorrow's exam. I almost didn't sleep that's why I know the rain hadn't stopped since it started the night before. I went to school and wished I'd do well in my departmentals. It rained cats and dogs. The exam was called off after 2 hours and we had to go home when the streets were already partially flooded and it was raining harder. I changed clothes and bathed in alcohol. I slept... and it was still raining.

I woke up the next morning and saw what the rain did to my people. It was devastating. News have reached the international community.

Days after, I went to school and gave what I have. It's the least I could do. Never mind that I have to get a less yummy lunch for several days. My fellows are dying. We repacked the goods and hoped each bag would do a devastated family some good. The response to the calls for help are overwhelming... people posting donation information on their online spaces, prison inmates skipping meals just to donate, foreigners donating everything in their paypal accounts, celebrities diving in neck-deep flood waters to save their neighbors, people raising funds, teenagers giving up their savings, gradeschoolers packing up goods, a million tales of reaching out... I live in a country of heroes (excluding the corrupt and phony scumbags, of course!)

I can't be any prouder. Welcome to the Philippines...

Where do I go from here?

"I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
...
I am just a little girl lost in the moment
...
I’ve got to let it go
And just enjoy the show"

Yes, I'm quite lost. And since both my parents are regular readers of this blog, writing this entry somehow means boiling myself in my own stew. For the past weeks (or months) my mind's always off to some place painted with colors not as monochromatic as that of where I am now.

I was talking with Ate Hane a while ago. She used to take the same course as I am taking up but around this same time last year, she decided to shift out and take up BSBAA (business ad. and accountancy) instead. The talk was casual and somehow it drifted to what we want in life. I told her I envy her for she was able to gather courage and somehow effect a great turn, that is, get out of Nursing and live the life she would enjoy better. She asked me what I'm interested in and I said FA or Journalism, which, as it turns out, was what she really wanted. I realized that the things that can make us happy are not everything that we humans consider superior. She has been taking up two of UP's triple quota courses and yet she wasn't really happy. Fine Arts was an option from the very start, but the fear that her parents might not agree kept her from pursuing it. As for my part, I don't really hate Nursing. I love it, as a matter of fact. It is noble in its own right. If given the chance, I'd continue to Medicine. To be a doctor will never be erased from my dreams.

... but FA is FA and Journalism is Journalism. Times just come when I feel like I've always chosen the safe path and many alleys are still waiting to be explored... that apart from going to the hospital and donning on scrub suits or a white coat, I'd also love to be able to walk up to my own studio or workplace someday, wear an artist's apron and dabble in paint or sculp figures... that apart from doing rounds in the hospital and checking on my patients with a stethoscope dangling down my neck, I'd also want to climb mountains and cross rivers with a camera in my hand... that apart from writing clinical abstracts or prescriptions, I also want to write for my own column or even publish my own book... that apart from reading my Pathophysiology, Medical Parasitology and Microbiology books, I'd also fancy browsing through artbooks and read a Murakami, a Shakespeare, a Sionil-Jose or a Garcia-Marquez...

I am a carefree artist trying to survive in the cruel but charming world of the hard sciences. Sadly, it makes life tough for me. The field where I am in never fails to keep me busy, but sometimes it is not enough to fill that part that only color, form, pattern and rhyme will ever complete.

I've been daydreaming much lately. I want to put those creative juices into tangible things. I want to create something I can proudly call my brainchild. No one in my family or in my circle knows I've been studying a certain form of art for months now. It keeps me happy. It probably is hard to connect all the dots now, but I feel the picture will be clear and sharp a few years into the future, and who knows, I might end up crafting something that will turn out as a good form of enterprise.

I guess I don't want to spend the rest of my college days being just like everybody else, always covered in tons of books, always complaining of the toxicity school is bringing them and always wishing they never chose this field. Maybe like them I'm not giving up... not when I've already given up and sacrificed so much for where I am now, spent so much money on my education, and abused my own health to comply with all the requirements. Yes, it's the point of no return but I guess I'm not allowing life to push me around. Yes I'd still want to take up FA or probably Journalism but I'm here taking up something I still believe I want, but that does not mean I have to wait for the chance to get them to be shoved in my face. There are pieces of those dreams scattered around me and just because I can't see them doesn't mean they're not there, and the reason why I could stand not complaining about how tough my chosen field is, is because I have a life outside it. And that life is visual arts and writing.

It is so paradoxical that we all know that life sucks, but most of us spend most of our lives whining and crying over spilled milk. When I was little I often asked God why he gave me so little talent. I have the voice of a toad, the dancing ability of a scarecrow, and the confidence of a person with inferiority complex. I later realized that there's a secret formula to being good at something, and that sheer talent won't actually get people far. I learned about passion. May be I cannot sing , dance and act, but I learned that I can write and draw, paint and make crafts. Passion kept that spark alive and had I not discovered it, I might have ended up a bored and boring but school-intoxicated kid.

There are times when the call for one is greater than that of the other. Mental gridlocks say hello to me all the time. But then, I guess I am happy to somehow pursue both worlds. It's the kind of thing that gets me giddy and confused but at the same time both fields temper each other in a unique manner which makes me want to just stay put and enjoy the moment.

Deep within the city

Went on a temple tour in Manila last Saturday with a couple of batchmates. At first I was very skeptic about going to this tour and cutting a generous amount from my allowance to go on this trip. I never thought i'd enjoy it very much though. My batchmates and I are joking around with the thought of riding a bus while visiting temples which are only a few blocks away from school. One temple was even just beside a classmate's condo unit. I ended up swallowing my own words after finding the tour interesting instead of dull. I was given the chance to appreciate other religions and cultures and somehow free my thinking from the confines of Catholicism.

Another thing that got me hooked the whole time was the fact that I was holding a camera. It's been ages since I last indulged in photography which is one of my interests. For the first time in months I got to apply what I have been droning on during my free time -- the technicalities of the field. Gigabytes of my laptop's memory are dedicated to photography ebooks which I read every now and then to somehow make me an informed hobbyist. I can say I'm pretty happy with the results.

These are carvings in a wooden structure in the Taoist Temple in Adriatico. The craftsmanship is just breath-taking.

Here is a view of the porch of the same Taoist temple. I had to darken the photo a bit because it was overexposed.

Another look...

This is the Blue Mosque in Maharlika Village, Taguig. What separates this mosque from others is that its dome is blue, instead of the usual green (which represents paradise). According to my professor, the Imam said he had the dome painted blue because it is his favorite color. There are actually only three blue mosques in the world. I enjoyed listening to the Imam while he explained the history of Islam and debunked myths about their religion.

I took this while listening to the Imam's lecture.

The little Buddhas at the Fo Guang Shan temple in Vito Cruz.

My classmates and I all found the Buddhist temple the most serene of all the ones we visited. We were even taught basic meditation techniques before we left. I realized how badly out of shape I am because I can't do the lotus position.

After the field trip I was supposed to have my duty from 5:30 PM onwards in the Opthalmology ward in PGH because my last patient was discharged immediately after her cataract surgery and I didn't have the time to implement my care plan. I was supposed to get a new patient but my clinical instructor was apparently sick. Life could really be tough, I know.

I took a shot of SOJR (Sentro Oftalmologico Jose Rizal) in PGH before I left and called it a day.

When people compare you to your sister

I've already come to terms with the fact that a portion of my life was to be spent getting compared to my younger sister. Even when we were young, people who know us never failed to populate a list of our similarities and differences faster than we can grow. Much of them leaned on, of course, looking at our differences.

I remember taking out my younger sister's photo for my friends to see. Faster than lightning, someone told me she's prettier. I know. I've heard that a million times in the past. I don't get offended for I know it is true. Some of our teachers back when I was in high school have told me the same thing and I know a few more would grab the chance to tell me that had the opportunity presented itself while I was still a student there. It would always be like, "Mas maganda siya sa'yo, pero mas matalino ka naman." To which I would reply, "Hindi po. Mas matalino po siya kahit noon, mas masipag lang siguro ako mag-aral." At least that's what I know. When we were kids, she's the one who'd always bring home the bacon. She outplayed me in a game we called "paramihan ng medal". I'm always the one who had to roll up my sleeves higher in terms of school for I was not gifted with the brand of intelligence she has. I started staying up 'til the wee hours of the morning for school since I was in sixth grade. She only had the need to do so during her sophomore year in high school because she learns so much faster. So whatever distinction I had academically in the past was probably out of sheer effort and a bit of luck. When people compare how both of us fare at school, I tell them the same thing over and over sans the drama, of course, but that's all true. I just find it unpleasant when people make it look like our being sisters should boil down to who is better than who.

I remember her telling me once, "Ikaw kasi eh, kung di mo ginalingan edi sana hindi sila nag-eexpect sa akin." Of course I was hurt. First and foremost I didn't want her to live her life following the trail I left. She's completely special in her own right and I want her to make her own path. If ever she follows mine, I want her to take it not because people expect her to do what I have done, but because she wanted it herself.

Friends from my previous school told me a lot of people call her Ms. Congeniality while people even in my own circle call me “the girl with the taray factor.” My sister has this aura of overflowing friendliness, perhaps because the corners of her mouth are always dragged up to her ears, while mine don’t give way for a smile as often. But I'm not really the snob people tend to think I am. I'm not really the type of person who loves to smile, but when I do, it's very heartfelt.

She has the height of a model, while I have the height of a… I don’t know… a nerd, maybe. But then one of the perks of standing smaller than your younger sister is that she’s always mistaken for being the older one. Even when we were kids, when we go home to the province for Christmas, relatives would say she looks older. I remember a dinner out with my family, when this pretty waitress at Italiannis even asked my dad who is older between my sister and I.

Between the two of us, she’s the better leader. I once posted here about my fear of manpowering a team or speaking in front of people I barely know – two things she can do with so much ease.

She hates it that much of my things are drowning in pink – my sheets, my laptop, my jug, my bathrobe and much much more – while I hate it that she’s not girly enough to love pink.

One of my teachers told me that between the two of us, I'm the Dalagang Filipina. She said my posture was quite more pristine that that of my sister's; that unlike her, people don't see my tonsils when I laugh and I don't "bounce" when I walk.

She loves numbers and is better with them, but she abhors the health sciences and literature – the things I immensely love. A couple of times before she took her college entrance exams, she asked me what courses would be nice. I offered her options here in UPM for these are the ones I know better, and a couple of times too, I heard her say no. I encouraged her to read the good novels and books I have at home, and she’s only read 3 of them.

She loves music, something which I don’t have an ear for and sometimes when I’d try to sing, she’d laugh at me… First, because I did not get my lyrics right. Second, the song’s genre was way unfit for teenagedom. Third, I’m out of tune.

I’m head over heels for Harry Potter, both movies and books, while she’s never read a single book and even slept in the movie house while we were watching the fourth film.

When we were kids, she’s the naughty one and I’m the good one. I can never forget she hit my head once with a wooden piano toy. It was this red grand piano without legs that’s about the size of a 14” pizza box which my grandma sent us from Hongkong. I was lying prone on the floor coloring my book when she came out of the bedroom and smashed my head with it. She also cut my right eyebag and left cheek once with a block of lego. There I was, building my “dreamhouse” when all of a sudden she threw tantrums and attacked me with a piece of my favorite toy.

I can go on and blab about the two of us, but to cut the story short, here goes… My sister and I are different as much as we are alike, and that entails people do not have to judge us using the other as the standard. We were not born to compete with each other, as other siblings in this world are. There may be things one does better than the other, but that does not mean our parents love her or me more.

PBA09o998057

Legal

I'm dedicating this blog entry to two of my closest friends, Arden and Toni. They both celebrated their 18th birthdays recently and they came up with the idea of having a joined birthday treat. We went out on thursday afternoon, not on the usual friday night because Toni is flying home to Zamboanga for her party and because the rest of us had to attend a separate one ... UPCN's Tea Party.

It's brightens up my day when I see my friends beaming with glee. It's not the traditional 18th birthday celebration held in a hotel with all the fancy gowns, but it definitely is a celebration at its best -- simple but very heartfelt. After all, this is what birthdays are all about -- celebrating the gift of life with the people dear to you.

Nothing beats a fun treat with the ones you love around. We were actually lugging around laptops because we had to finish a few papers, but sometimes ditching your work and having fun seems the best thing to do to stay sane.

Three 18-inch pizzas + tons of scrumptious fried treats + this cake + a healthy conversation = excess sodium, fat, sugar and fun intake. It's turning 18 the healthy way.

I just noticed, everyone in my circle is turning 18. I will be, too a few months from now, but I don't really care about getting old. What my mind is harping on is growing up. After all, it's all about acting your age. How to do that and live up to a new set of expectations is now part of everyone's to-be-solved list. Apart from the countless parties lined up for this year's debutantes, everyone had to mind getting serious filing for more IDs, etc. Everyone's joking around with the phrase, "Pwede ka na makulong!" or "Pwede ka nang mag-asawa!"and laugh about it, but at the end of the day they realize that things do change when people turn 18. Perhaps, nothing will be different overnight, but there will definitely be cues reminding you that there is a greater degree of freedom as you step into this age but like what they say, there's no such thing as a free lunch. It's greater freedom plus millions of responsibility. You can no longer use "being a minor" as a reason because now, you have the right to say hi to prison bars when you terribly screw up. You have the right to drown yourself in drums of liquor and not have your parents back you up when you get in trouble.

A couple of months left, and it's my turn. I'll grow up but I will never grow old.

The triumph of science over death

Photography by: (my friend) Kenneth Gacula

Post-processing by: (me) Raiza Kasilag

What you see above is Rizal's The Triumph of Science Over Death. In school, in front of the college of Medicine, there is a statue of the same piece - something I should never have ignored ever since my first year. I'd admit, I am knowledgeable of the many trivial things about that statue but I have never ever contemplated on what matters more -- on the profound meaning it possesses and tries to communicate to all the curious eyes that have seen it through the years. I must say, taking a path in this field offered me much insight about the frailty of us, mortals. Science saves us from these frailties and the statue, from this day on, will be a reminder of one of the most significant reasons why I should thank God for science.

What happened today was something I never expected. It really is not as serious as it may sound in this entry, but at least for me, it is. Sometimes, it is in these simple instances that life hits you hard in the face with the most basic facts which you take for granted.

So I was jogging with my roommate early this morning. We jogged to CCP and made 8 rounds up and down the ramp there. After the last round, as we were about to head home, my chest felt like it was being crushed, I felt dizzy, and everything around changed in color. I was having difficulty in breathing and I thought it would just go away. Before we crossed the street, everything fell dark and I can't see much and my chest felt tighter and tighter. I knew pretending that I'm okay will not do me and my roommate any good as I will really collapse in the middle of the street if I try to go on. And so I told her I had to rest and managed to sit myself before my sense of sight left me.

I should be thankful because at least, I know what is happening to myself. At least I know I had to keep breathing no matter how painful and hard it was because the oxygen level in my brain is to hit rock bottom anytime soon. It was very hard to process things with a dysfunctional brain. All of sudden, things I had to stuff in my brain for pathophysiology class made sense and they started shooting from nowhere... constriction of the airways... paresthesia... pallor... nausea...etc....etc... I knew I had them all, but I can't think straight. I was afraid of losing consciousness in the middle of a busy place like CCP and of course I didn't want to be a big burden to my roommate. I'm confident she'd know exactly what to do if ever things go badly out of hand because she's a medical intern but this is her weekend off from school. I shouldn't make her work.

It lasted for about 2 more minutes. She took my pulse rate and kept me breathing deeply. After a while she kept me talking, and I knew she was testing the coherence of my thoughts. And I was right. It was hypoglycemia.

Even if I was groggy the whole time, I can hear my brain screaming admiraton for her. She was calm all throughout and took great care of me and I realized that she was in the right field. On our walk home, I kept pondering on how things could have been if we didn't know anything about my condition. What if we both panicked? What if I got permanent brain damage? What if, what if, what if? And for that I can't help but thank God for the knowledge he has given us. It seemed as if my world had been turned upside-down because for 5 minutes, I was the patient and it felt like staring at death straight in the eye. It was the worst 5 minutes of my life. I never expected it to happen to me because I've always jogged to CCP before, sometimes, even from Grandstand to CCP and I've always felt fine and energetic. I was a track-and-field player in high school so activities should not present much of a challenge for me. It was just disturbing to experiencing firsthand what I study in school. It just proves you can still be a victim in the field you try to excel in.

Thank God for science, at least things are better managed now than ever before. We just have to always use what we know only for the good. What happened today reinforced my decision to stick to this field no matter what.